by Manon Cloots, Cootje Linssen, Kristína Veselá & Sina Wahby

Such a simple word, yet sometimes so hard to say – why?

As young women, we find ourselves in countless situations, when we struggle with the same thing all over again – giving ourselves permission to refuse and decline. Not to apologize, not to give reasons why, and not to be polite at any cost. It is exhausting to feel guilty, mean, uptight, or even selfish about our decisions all the time. We all well have been excluded, pressured, mocked, and misunderstood for them. And it is no fun.

Let us share with you, what we wish someone would have told us a long time ago. From one girl to another – four scenarios based on our personal experience of Sayin’ no to alcohol and drugs

“Just one glass”

Many of us enjoy a good glass of wine with dinner or a nice cold beer on a terrace in the sun. And there’s nothing wrong with that. However, preferences vary. As we grow up, we become more certain of what we want, and we develop our personal drinking preferences. Different settings provoke different attitudes and moods towards drinking. In Mediterranean countries, the relationship towards alcohol fulfils a different role in social settings than for example in Scandinavian countries.

Whether alcohol is considered a negative lifestyle habit or not, many home environments can hardly be imagined without. From one’s early days, a glass of wine at the dinner table or a glass of champagne on special occasions, wouldn’t necessarily be viewed as problematic. Our parents would perhaps make us taste different alcoholic beverages to get familiar with taste.

As we get older “You can have just ONE sip” has slowly turned into “it is JUST one sip or one glass, join us”. Simply not feeling like drinking due to whatever reason, seems not to be a valid reason to many parents to whom the drinking culture is an important one. To not be a party-pooper, we tend to search for excuses such as still having to drive home, having to study the next morning or maybe you even play the ‘unhealthy’ card.

Yet, they all seem to be wiped out by the universal counter argument: it is just one glass. Because it literally just works for every situation…

So, what next?

In many situations, it is easy to just give in and avoid the confrontation. BUT you don’t have to.

Over time your parents will have to accept that you are your own person and you make your own decisions. Whether you’re already an adult or not, when your mind or your gut is telling you to rather skip that glass of alcohol, because of whatever reason, it is very important to listen to this feeling and honour it. At the dinner table and in any other context, you could maybe introduce a nice non-alcoholic drink as your personal replacement for their wine. Whenever they treat themselves to a lovely glass of wine or any other alcoholic beverage, you can kindly decline and tell your parents or other family members that you have already provided yourself with your treat, and you shall have a glass of that. If you have something special you can grab yourself a glass of, the value of your drink will be equal and as special as theirs and not downgrade the moment. 

Social smoking

The opinions on smoking vary a lot, but we all know that smoking is not the healthiest thing to do. However, smoking is still part of certain environments. You might recognize this from your school environment, or especially when you work in a restaurant or bar. You will notice that the smoking culture is really embraced in the work/school environment. When you decide not to join in, this can have some negative consequences for your work/school dynamic. 

As you might have experienced or not, smoking is often seen as a group activity. For example, your co-workers will go outside for a smoking break, which over time becomes a social activity. Not only will this create a social activity on which you will miss out, your co-workers also seem to get extra breaks during work-time. These privileges of being a smoker compared to non-smokers can be very frustrating.

Because you have the feeling that you are missing out, you might consider smoking yourself. This could be simply to join the social dynamic and get those extra breaks, or to find a coping mechanism to relieve work-related stress. This peer pressure towards a feeling of fitting in and the opportunity to socialize during breaks may seem harmless at the time. Especially because the concept of smoking culture follows you throughout your life when you endure different jobs. However, there are several things you can do to collect these privileges without damaging your health.

To not feel like you are missing out, realize that you can easily hang out with people that are smokers, outside of their smoking breaks. This will give you the opportunity to socialize with them and join the group dynamic. During their smoking breaks you will notice that you are not the only one that does not want to smoke. Talk to your employer about your rights concerning this topic. If smokers are allowed smoking breaks, then you and the other non-smokers are allowed to have ‘tea’ breaks. This will create a new social dynamic among the non-smoking group in which you will be involved. After all, keep in mind that extra benefits at work or an increased chance of a promotion is not a valid reason to start smoking.

Bathroom culture

Going to a party and being confronted with the decision “do I want to join in taking this drug or not?”, is not an uncommon situation. There are many different types of drugs that are taken at parties. Some can be smoked, some come in the form of fun looking tablets to be swallowed, and some come in a powdery form to be snorted.  Depending on the city, the cultural context and the background of people you might be out with, the popularity of certain drugs vary.

It is important to think about your own point of view on this topic before entering a party where you know drugs will be present. In this context of drugs, it is best to have made up your mind before encountering a situation in which you are asked to decide. These situations can be very casual, in which a group of friends for example sit together at home and puff-puff-pass a joint. But these situations can also be more secretive, in which you go to the bathroom with a group of (close) friends or even strangers that you just met, when suddenly one of them pulls out little bag and asks, “want some?”.

The moment when everybody before you have said yes to the drugs, the drug reaches you, and all of your friends’ eyes are directed at you, in them some form of expectation, this is the moment you might feel pressure to join in. It may feel as if you are going to be judged if decide not to join in. But it is your decision. If you get the chance to make up your mind about your position towards party drugs in advance, this might help you keep your cool when confronted by a situation like this. It may also help you to think about in which situations and environments you could imagine actually joining in and trying out some of the party drugs, and in which situations you would feel uncomfortable in doing so.

The most important message here is: if you do not want to take a drug for whatever reason, it is okay to say NO. If you for some reason feel negative towards experimenting or taking drugs in general, that solely is already enough reason for you not to want to join. You do not owe any of the people in the party environment an explanation of why you wouldn’t want in. It is actually rather dangerous when you are mentally resistant towards the taking of drugs, and to then take them. In some extremer cases this could lead to a bad trip, which can leave serious mental damage. Being in the right mind-space when you take drugs is crucial for you to have a pleasant experience. It is therefore really important for you to take a moment in which you decide for yourself what you like, don’t like, would be willing to try, not try and to be comfortable with the idea of saying no. So that when the moment of pressure hits, you can shrug your shoulders, say no, pass the drugs to the next person in line and enjoy the rest of your evening.

Whether or not your friends will judge you for not wanting to join in on using drugs, also says a lot about the kind of friends you have, and this could be something you would want to look into. Your friends should respect your decision if it is different from theirs and never push their own beliefs on substance use on you.

(Un)healthy relationship?

The absolute necessity when it comes to experiences related to drugs is the feeling of safety and comfort. Not only within the situation, environment or the circle of people around you but most importantly with yourself. This advice, however, might get a little bit tricky when the person offering you such drug is your loved one – in this scenario, your boyfriend or girlfriend. And, especially if the drug in question is weed.

The “easy” and “soft” perception of marijuana among young people and peers make it very difficult to resist if one is put into a compromising position. In particular; if we are confronted by the person we love and trust, or even share an intimate relationship with. It is only natural that our attitudes and boundaries towards certain behaviours bend under the mask of a relationship. We are more open and willing to try new things, experiment and challenge ourselves, which is definitely not perceived as a negative thing. Indeed, a partner is one of the closest people in our lives who has an impact on who we are and who we become. By helping us grow, supporting us and sharing his/her point of view, thus inevitably influencing ours. Although, we sometimes tend to get a bit lost in our relationships, and for those times, here is our little know-how.

In case you know your partner smokes on a regular basis, it might be very helpful to give it a bit of thought yourself. What is your perception of marijuana (and not only with regard to your relationship)? How do you feel about it? To what extent do you have information on its use and effects? It is important to realize, that the role of your partner who is experienced can be both beneficial but also misleading.  Thus, be careful and possibly consider other sources of information as well, or talk to more people about their experience. Moreover, ask yourself what would smoking marijuana mean for you personally, what are your expectations, and even what are your fears. These are all very important aspects to consider.

We are not here questioning the intentions of your boyfriend/girlfriend when they offer you a joint to share together. There are hundreds of different scenarios; from having a nice and cosy evening, to easing your mind and helping you relax, enjoying yourselves, turning off for a while and living in the moment, letting everything else be and just feeling it together, or connecting on a different level. It might even cross your mind that; if you are to try it, you want the first time to be with him/her.

Nevertheless, it is your decision to make – to do it for and because of yourself, no one else. Despite the expectations of your boyfriend/girlfriend; despite the great willingness to give in for the people you love. The time and place must feel right. You are the only person that knows what is up inside your head, and let us tell you, all those tiny details matter. Whatever is happening under the surface, whether it is a slight feeling of anxiety or uncertainty, do not suppress it. Try to talk about it to your loved one and share. In a healthy relationship, the other person respects your decision and tries to understand it. Saying no is never easy or pleasant, might be even awkward from time to time. But the true feeling of safety and comfort one can feel in a relationship is when you feel free to say no.